Give and accept help in 2022

Photo: Unsplash

    The ‘coulda’, ‘woulda’ and ‘shoulda’ of 2021 are gone but we’ve got another chance, with a brand spankin’ new year, to get it right. How many years got away from us, with opportunities missed? Opportunities to do it better. Do our part. Pull our weight. Help and be helped.

    Some may feel their contribution would pale in comparison to that of others but how would they know if they don’t get out there and do it! Those who hang back and don’t get involved may well shine in the realm of community service.

    If you express your own feelings about caring and sharing, isolation and abandonment, others might decide to get involved and participate in being part of a change in your shared community, beginning within their own lives, with those near and dear, and with those who are near — the neighbour they really don’t know, the after school program that could use extra volunteers to help children with reading, the local hospital that is always seeking extra pairs of hands to do this or that, the community sponsored suppers that always need potato peelers and salad makers. The list of what you CAN do is endless. The list of what you COULD do rests with you. Mask ON!

    We are a province of aging citizens coupled with a declining growth rate, though there has been an influx from other provinces in recent months. We must do all we can to welcome them. If you’re sitting home alone and are able to get out and about, DO it. Find out what’s going on in your community and see where you might fit. Ultimately, what stops you is YOU!

    I reach out to my community through my writing, armed with the knowledge that my voice may give others the courage to finally speak up, to stand up and ask for help when needed. Within the parameters of my online presence, I make myself available to assist young parents with writing letters requesting assistive devices and services necessary to improve the quality of life for their youngster with disability, guiding them through the maze of often confusing jargon aka gobbledy-gook when they get another denial letter from an agency they thought would help them. The ‘blue book’ needs to be rewritten to accommodate the real needs of real people. Yet again, to repeat an oft-used phrase - ‘one size does NOT fit all!’.

    The gift of availability can be transmitted from one person to another, bringing a community to life, whether online or in our daily, touch it, feel it, hear it lives. Mask ON.

    All around us are folks who used to ask for help but felt they were imposing and stopped asking, plodding along — sometimes to their detriment. Plodded along until the day when the old man who lives across the street from you fell off a ladder while changing the battery in his smoke alarm. One of those ‘shoulda’ moments you missed. “I shoulda gone over to ask Mr. Jones if he needed help,” you said to yourself. Now he’s in the hospital with a broken hip, developing an infection. How long does it take to change a smoke alarm battery?

    In these COVID times, bartering may be a way to help and be helped. My own physiotherapist has had to cancel sessions with me so he could meet the needs of another with issues more pressing. Staff shortages have impacted visits by home health care workers. Thankfully, I’m able to exercise independently – housework!! For those who cannot, perhaps a family member or caregiver might consult with a therapist to learn how to undertake a bare bones regimen for the patient in need of rehab assistance at home.

    Living with disability is often not pretty; growing old is not fun. Asking for help is a tough pill but we have to swallow our pride and just DO it if we are to be safe. Will you DO your part in your community, on your street, to ensure that a neighbour in need stays safe? Perhaps that will be your next moment of 2022.

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with Miss Lexie, a rambunctious Maltese and Mr. Malcolm, the boisterous Havanese. She can be reached via email at Carla MacInnis Rockwell

Living safely in a COVID world demands common courtesy

 

Emergency Room congestion, long waits, over-stressed front line nursing staff, doctors who can’t seem to take enough time to find out what’s REALLY going on with patients because they see so many in the course of a day. These are but a few of the problems plaguing our hospitals and they are not new problems; they’ve been simmering for decades. Tragically, COVID cases have blown everything wide open. 

We can be part of the solution by being more thoughtful about our behaviour and less combative with others as they try to do their job. Properly wearing a mask cannot be stressed enough. It’s vital to cover both the mouth and the nose and not have an ill fitting mask barely hanging over the upper lip. Just stop that at once. You are not being helpful. In fact, you set a bad example to young people around you who depend on you for guidance. Defiant tantruming toddler like behaviour in adults is not a good look. Know that! People you know may see you at your worst without you being aware and opinions of you will change. Don’t be that person.

By nature, some people are worriers, working themselves into states of unwellness fixating on what might happen. Take a breath and relax. If you’re vaccinated, followed booster protocols, wearing a mask and socially distancing, you’re on track doing the right things for you and for those around you. 

If you are feeling sniffly,  holing up with a few favourite books and movies,  pushing fluids and resting may be all that is required to turn things around. Common sense must guide us with thoughtful practices that respect everyone. In need of our utmost respect and positive regard are the medical professionals who care for us, putting their own lives at risk each and every day. Sadly, risk factors have skyrocketed because of far too many self-absorbed posturing with a ME attitude that is dangerous. 

COVID has created far too many bullies using their words and actions as bats. Accountability, in the form of huge fines and not slaps on the wrist, with potential job loss for behaviour that is clearly criminal, must be part of the policing practices put in place to protect everyone. It’s long past time. Not a day goes by that we’re not seeing coverage of assaults, often on airplanes, in restaurants, in grocery stores. COVID is going to be around far longer than it might have been and has to be  because of the oppositional behaviour of people who really don’t see beyond the tip of their nose. That’s a huge problem for everyone around them.

We can be COVID conscious on the street where we live by being good neighbours, assisting those who have trouble meeting the demands and challenges of daily living. With mask properly worn, check in on home-alone neighbours. That act of common decency goes a long way to improving the lives of the isolated. Make no mistake. You and what you do matter.

Exercising common sense also improves mental health as it brings into focus the ‘rules of the road’ some have let slide. ME people insistent on dining out but not following protocols put in place by restaurants should be ashamed of themselves. Screaming at strangers isn’t always about venting and must not be ignored.

If you’re embarrassed and even remorseful about the you you’ve become during these COVID times, a new year with lots of days ahead is an opportunity make changes. Do you want to? 

  Being aware of how our behaviour affects others and endeavouring to self-correct is part of our own healing and growth. If we are to find peace in the coming COVID days and months, we must accept that we have to be part of the solution and not a continued thorn in the side of those who are trying to help us recover a world that once again is meaningful and productive for everyone. Each of us has something to bring to our community to reawaken the lost joy in even the small things. COVID makes it challenging, certainly, but it doesn’t make it impossible. We’ve got this!

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with Miss Lexie, a rambunctious Maltese and Mr. Malcolm, a boisterous Havanese. She can be reached via email at Carla MacInnis Rockwell

Words matter, so choose yours wisely

 

Photo: James Snell/Postmedia Network

Words matter! How we speak to another, regardless of their place in our immediate sphere determines how they will react and respond to us.

When interacting with very young children, the words we use are tailored to the notion of ‘age appropriateness’ and the listener’s ability to comprehend. Talking ‘down’ to children has potential to be demoralizing and defeating and as a consequence is not instructive. Parents brought their son or daughter into the world and now that the little people are here, the adults in the room have another role — that of teacher. A parent with a sound moral compass is able to effectively teach children right from wrong, so that a son and daughter may take their place in their community and in the broader society. Then, those young people venture forth to their first real job with real earning power, often in the food service industry. Then something horrible happens. They get screamed at for doing their job.

In this age of COVID denialism, mask defiance and vaccine defiance, what are far too many adults, Moms and Dads, really teaching their children? Is it fear that’s driving them to dismiss science, to ignore the law? Laws in place to protect all. That behaviour cannot stand without challenge. It must not stand without challenge.

Recent press has shone a light on just how out of touch with their moral compass so many people have become; supposedly mature adults, who have access to our roadways with lethal weapons, their vehicle, are screaming at restaurant wait staff claiming violation of their rights. Seriously! Those overly enraged people are in COVID shock, trapped in a rolling drum of emotions that they don’t know what to do with. With diminished coping skills, they jeopardize the health and safety of those around them who are trying to do the right things in spite of the turmoil.

Young people, as example, are working to pay for school, or just pay their way in life in general. The human brain isn’t fully developed until at least 25, so for men and women beyond that age screaming at children, yes children, is unacceptable no matter how those who do it try to spin it. COVID isn’t going away any time soon so it’s time for everyone who is eligible to get the vaccine so that life can get back to some semblance of normal, or at the very least, a ‘new normal’ that is kinder and gentler. The holiday season needs that peace.

Historically and sadly, holiday time brings out the very worst in some people and it’s the same angst year after year. Since COVID visited the world a few years ago, the anger meter of far too many is off the charts. It’s unfortunate and clearly unacceptable that their behaviour is doing potentially irreparable damage to those in their communities who are tasked with providing service or keeping citizens safe and healthy. Young people are the future. Have we forgotten that?

Step away from your self-serving ME and get to know the WE you used to be or could be. There are so many things that both young and old could be doing to lift their spirits. Being vaccinated provides us with more freedom of movement within the community to engage in activities we enjoy. It also opens the doors to new opportunities as the job/career landscape has changed during COVID times.

Food banks are scrambling to serve the food insecure and you can contribute to bending and perhaps breaking the back of that problem by donating your time and energy to such worthy causes. They get lots of peanut butter, jam and jelly, but they don’t get enough loaves of bread to put under it. English muffins, flat breads, pita breads are great alternatives that would be most welcome. Use your voice to spread the word about expanding contributions to food banks and other such venues whose mission is to ensure a better quality of health and wellness for those who are struggling and have done so for decades, long before COVID visited. When the lesser among us are healthier, all are healthier, making for a holiday time that’s less stressful and more meaningful. Raise a glass to yourself.

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with Miss Lexie, a rambunctious Maltese and Mr. Malcolm, a boisterous Havanese. She can be reached via email at Carla MacInnis Rockwell

Bob, the times need to change a bit faster

“You don’t sound disabled.” Words heard almost  40 years ago during a telephone interview when I had to disclose a mobility disorder because the location of the job was hampered by steps and the building had no elevator. I had to take a pass on the employment opportunity.

Suffice to say I was mortified at the interviewer’s attitude. After all, it was only a few years before, in 1981, that the world shared the International Year of Persons with Disability. It was also the year that Prince Charles married Lady Diana Spencer, both patrons of a range of agencies and organizations advocating on behalf of persons with challenges to daily living. 

Time marches on and I heard those very words — “you don’t  sound disabled” —  just a few weeks ago. To say my head was figuratively spinning is an understatement. How can it be that such attitudes about people can be so fixed in the minds of so many? It’s like they’ve been living under a rock while life moved on without them. Attitude awareness requires a commitment to change; to be sincere in efforts to make the world a more inclusive and  better place for those among us disadvantaged by circumstances beyond our control.

The nature of the exchange I had recently was such that the person would be attending at Chez Rockwell to provide services critical to home maintenance. The more the man talked the more uncomfortable I became about just how competent he was and whether I wanted to allow him into my home. I may be totally wrong about his character but first impressions are telling.  My impression of  the gentleman told me is that I couldn’t allow myself to hire him.  I thanked him for taking the time with me and bid him a good day. The second call I made  provided me with exactly what I needed. Words matter.

It’s unfortunate that in 2021, I and so many in like circumstance must do battle with the attitudes others hold about us as a group. Some among us become demoralized and give up; at least for awhile. Others press on  in spite of the misconceptions and ill-chosen words that effectively diminish them human beings. That’s just wrong. There is no getting around it. Words matter.

Not only do I not sound disabled, it’s been said that I don’t sound like a New Brunswicker though I don’t know about that. I’m sure I have that certain ‘tell' that reveals my place/province of birth, though I can say with certainty that one particular NB colloquialism that I’ve never used is ‘some good’ when expounding upon the quality of something, particularly an item of food. By the way, ‘eh’ is not in my vocabulary, either. How did that happen?

It’s a given that we are going to harbour certain views about people; it’s often more related to their socio-economic status and preconceived notions we have about them because of the reality that they have money, the means to enrich their lifestyle at will while so many struggle to meet the demands of basic necessities of life. Those who may not have the financial means do have the wherewithal to improve their lot in other ways and that’s what propels them forward, so that even in spite of challenges to daily living such as physical disability imposes— it’s not going to hold them back and won’t be a deterrent to getting them where they need to be in life. 

Though I don’t sound disabled, how I do sound makes an impact out there in the world. The same is true for anyone as he makes his way through life. 

Polishing our speech so that we more easily fit into the workplace where we conduct business to earn a living is critical to our sustained success. Mimicking the habits of successful people while still embracing what makes us unique allows men and women of any age to find their voice, find their way. We can change the world with our words, no matter how we sound. These times need to change a bit faster if the world is to turn itself around.

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with Miss Lexie, a rambunctious Maltese and Mr. Malcolm, a boisterous Havanese. She can be reached via email at Carla MacInnis Rockwell

Daily engagement is vital to wellness

All around us are people who are of ill health or failing health or living with the knowledge that in a few months they will no longer be with us. Each day is a gift and we all, in our own unique way, have opportunity to share that gift with another, whether for a few minutes, an hour, an afternoon, a day, a few days. Life and all the trappings are tied up in a common thread — choice. Boredom can and does weigh us down so it’s vital we find something, anything, to help keep us engaged and present. For me, it’s a daily dose of online scrabble after I’ve done my daily chores. Then there’s reading and writing. Baking and cooking are givens.

There are so many people who are alone; some by choice, others by circumstance out of their control. We each have a story. As for me, I’ve surrounded myself with things that engage my brain; books and music, old movies, favourite television programs. I don’t ‘allow’ myself to be bored. As I’ve often told people - so long as one can wipe his own butt and breathe without mechanical aid he has no right to plead boredom.  

I suppose having lived a life that was challenged by progressive fatigue associated with aging with cerebral palsy has set me on a path to make decisions that protect my physical body. Living outside the city has impacted my social connectedness but not so much that I lack for interactions with people I can actually see breathing and with whom I may share coffee and cake from time to time. That’s the key  — from time to time. My biggest concern has always been about the emotional welfare of my pets. I’d love to be able to easily and safely take them out for walks, tethered to my mobility scooter, but rural living makes that somewhat prohibitive given the likelihood of coming across an unleashed larger dog with a proclivity to gobble up ‘little bites’. City life is the one for dogs like mine — froo-froo lap dogs toddling along in the park, attached to designer leashes wearing the latest fashion statement canine cape.

Every now and then I express the sentiment that I should get a housemate — not only to defray costs, but also as a level of security. Being on my own at 67, given my ‘compromised’ health status has inherent risks but I don’t fixate on what might happen or what could happen. I go with the flow, from day to day, always having a plan for how to do things and knowing when I shouldn’t go downstairs to put wood in the stove, or knowing when I shouldn’t try to take trash to roadside on collection day. How my body feels and how my legs move function as a gauge with regard to tasks for the day. Certainly it would be nice to have a roommate to share the task loads - doing some things more easily and more quickly than I can. Oh what a relief it would be.

Key to successful home alone living is to establish very early on a routine that satisfies the basic needs and then extends outwards. We who are aging in place with disabling conditions that preclude full participation on a consistent daily basis don’t have to feel ‘less than’ ‘because of’. Rather, we should work at strengthening those skills that enhance the quality of our lives. 

Holidays and all the trappings of frivolity and gift giving often pose significant stress to those who just can’t get into the spirit or feel that their impoverished circumstance make it impossible to be part of the holiday party scene. Persons on fixed incomes, or living on the financial edge day in and day out tend not to look for the silver lining. There is one you know. The silver lining is found when you let go of trying to keep up with the Joneses and allow yourself to just be YOU. 

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with Miss Lexie, a rambunctious Maltese and Mr. Malcolm, a boisterous Havanese. She can be reached via email at carmacrockwell@xplornet.ca 

In plumbing and in life, we have the tools to fix what is broken

Photo: Flickr/Erich Ferdinand

           What is it with me and plumbing fixtures? My first plumbing disaster months ago was with a toilet. In an effort to clear calcium deposit in the outlet, I tapped with a hammer; a piece broke off.  Oops!

Recently, I did it again. I had a go at fixing a water flow problem in the bathroom sink. Those with hard water know what I’m talking about. That build-up in the aerator that slows water to a trickle. Not an expensive fix if I had a few extra aerators and just replaced it!  But oh no! I sprayed vinegar around it and use pliers to remove. I put the cruddy aerator in a saucer and  with a sprinkle of soda and a vinegar spritz. The white hardened deposit flaked right off. All good! Then my mistake. I used pliers to tighten the aerator once I put it back on the faucet.  In turning it with the pliers, I applied too much pressure and broke a plastic piece inside the  faucet. I didn’t learn until a plumber visited that there even was a plastic piece inside the faucet.

Initially, when turning on the tap, water was flowing just fine; then the unthinkable happened. It was escaping at the elbow and going directly onto the floor inside the sink cabinet. And there it was! My OMG what I have I done moment.  I immediately turned off the water. Point of access shut-offs are critical!

I called my good and faithful plumber and his associate booked an appointment. They have been insanely busy and I appreciated that they did their best to accommodate me. You don’t realize how much you miss a bathroom sink until you don’t have access to it. Points to ponder.

When the plumber and his apprentice came to remedy the problem, they could have pointed and laughed, given ‘the thing’ with the toilet bowl, but they didn’t. After their inspection under the sink, I was vindicated.

They discovered that the plumbing pipes inside the cabinet were not aligned so, over time, they simply shifted. That was not my fault! When I leaned onto the bowl to put the aerator back on, that was just enough to push on the pipes to allow water escape. The primary culprit, truth be told, was the person who installed the pipes in the first place. That’s on him. I relied on him to ensure a quality install; clearly, I didn’t get what I paid for. Moaning about it would do me no good in the current circumstance. 

The bathroom fiascos turned out to be life lessons. Costly ones, certainly, but within them I leaned a few things. Notably, that I shouldn’t do a job for which I am not trained

The same is true in our daily lives. For so many, COVID confinement has put into the closet the ‘better angels’ with whom we walk. Tempers flare at the least little thing. Families become divided over beliefs about vaccines. Mild irritation goes from a simmer to a boil with anger reaching the point where husbands and wives, brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles are so fractured they see no way back.  The screaming, the yelling, then the walking away, with declarations they’re not looking back. Friends are falling away from social groups, often in self-preservation. Take a breath everyone! Like the plumber had tools to fix my toilet and sink, we have tools to fix relationships — if we want to. 

In this age of technology, the one sided approach may be  a first step. Write a letter — put pen to paper. It’s more personal than an email and taking the time to write and mail a letter illustrates that you’re willing to take a step forward. Then wait.  I’m of the belief that anything is possible. If the door to reconciliation is opened with a reply in kind, a call or email, take the win. Reach out and talk.

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with Miss Lexie, a rambunctious Maltese and Mr. Malcolm, the boisterous Havanese. She can be reached via email at carmacrockwell@xplornet.ca

I am not lonely in my solitude

Photo: Azin Ghaffari/Post Media

   In the words of the Belgian poet, May Sarton  “loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.” 

COVID  has taken so much life and living away from millions across the globe, being especially impactful on the very young and the very old; men, women and children who fall into pockets of society where those compromised by ongoing illness, disease or condition that diminishes access to inclusion in life’s daily activities are living. Very often, they are the most at risk due to inherent stressors of their circumstance.

As we approach the holiday season and all that entails, the lonely are even more mired down in their often demoralized lives. The financially fragile struggle to make ends meet and to keep up the wants of children in their care who are influenced by the Madison Avenue machine and the televised hype targeting them. Spending on gifts may not be an option and many will isolate themselves as a way to cope with what they no longer have; for lots of people, they’ve never had that spend-ability as every penny goes to costs of daily living. Added to the ranks are those, due to COVID ’s assault on the  economy, who’ve lost jobs or abandoned jobs. Families with young children are caught in the cross-hairs on a daily basis, having to juggle almost every minute of the day to make sure they can get it all done. Reality tells us that’s not possible as is evidenced by the demand for more paediatric mental health counsellors and clinicians working with seniors and geriatric populations who are falling further down the rabbit hole.

Solitude is enjoyed by those like me who made the decision early on that being on their own is not always a bad thing or a wrong thing as they adjusted their life compass, adapting to being alone; folks such as I whose lives have been challenged by compromised health or certain disabilities that preclude full inclusion into daily living in the ‘out and about’ world develop such skills very early on. I’ve spent decades creating a ‘comfort space’ for myself, realizing early that there would always be things I could never do by virtue of living of cerebral palsy. There are other things.

As frustrating as that has been over the years, I’ve managed to press on;  being angry or fixating on what one doesn’t have is a fool’s game, wasting valuable time that could be spent  engaged in the purposeful and the enjoyable. Taking time to explore opportunities may reveal options you never thought about; your major wow moment. Solitude is not about not wanting to be with other people. It’s about being with yourself.

We’ve been ‘confined to quarters’ as the COVID virus spreads, out of control in so many places because naysayers are defying science and the law to make a statement about personal freedom and choice and not getting vaccinated. Their defiance puts people in their immediate circle at significant risk. As well, their oppositional posture is contributing to the loneliness of the most vulnerable among us and that is not acceptable. It will never be acceptable. No one consciously chooses loneliness as the way it’s going to be in their world. There are many things over which we have no control and COVID is one of them. Here’s the thing — each and every one of us, across the globe, is in the same boat. What’s disheartening is that far too many ME people are making life far more challenging for the rest. 

Loneliness is viewed as a negative state marked by a sense of isolation and disconnect from community with a feeling that something is missing.  As COVID restrictions spread out across many countries around the world, people who functioned well in solitude found themselves experiencing a kind of stress like no other.  It’s pushed them into a state of feeling lonely; access to close friends has been diminished.  With acute loneliness one may feel isolated whether they’re surround by others or not. Negative feelings of self-doubt and self-worth begin to weigh on them. Civil discourse has fallen by the wayside and it has to stop. You can help. Be a good neighbour.

 Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with Miss Lexie, a rambunctious Maltese and Mr. Malcolm, the boisterous Havanese. She can be reached via email at Carla MacInnis Rockwell