Much has been written about bullying, about loneliness, about isolation, about being alone. Being alone and being lonely are not synonymous; however, being a bully and being isolated have potential to be significant problems for anyone who uses the ‘big bat’ of bullying behaviour to get what they want or what they think they want or what they believe is there right to have. Often, the true bully has no filter, running roughshod through life, consequences be damned. One may question whether the behaviour is learned or if one is born to bully; a genetic flaw that shapes a person from cradle to grave.
Our schools have had to cope with bullies of all ages and stages, from kindergarten to twelfth grade and beyond. Teachers make every effort to respond to concerns in a timely fashion, whether it’s having conversations with the bullying student to meeting with parents to discuss ways to correct behaviour. Where to start? Where did the problem originate? Can we know that? Does it begin at home? Is the bully born within the blending of genetics, or is the bully designed by circumstances that are perceived as negative to his/her own agenda?
In school, the bully reign may last for a few years or for several, as they develop skilful ways to hide who they really are. They torment just enough to make a point to their targets, often having a list of regulars; the easy marks. But then something happens - many targets grow up and develop a maturity that allows them to stand up and defend themselves. But what about the rest? Will they always be victimised by the bully? What about the bully? Yes, bullies can outgrow the behaviour that puts almost every aspect of their life into chaos. It requires a commitment to change and it requires that teachers and others accept the sincerity of the attempt to make changes, lending support as and when required.
There are lots of great teachers in our school, often going quietly about the business of parenting children who are struggling. Being the second Mom or Dad for one who may not be fully or ever available in the home, the home room teacher is often the first line of defence - the beacon in the storm for the struggling child; the bully, needs help but just doesn’t know how to ask for it.
Sometimes bullying stops without intervention when the behaviour stops paying off. Sadly, though, some bullies will continue to relate to the world that way all their lives because they never learn to behave differently. No one holds up a mirror to them so they can see what is happening because of their behavior.
Contrary to popular belief, the bully is not necessarily the biggest or strongest boy or girl in the class. The bully may often seem to be very demure and gentle and it can come as a shock to the teachers and/or parents to find that this child is bullying someone. Often bullying children are seeking attention due to a lack of love, support and/or attention from their parents. Are they being bullied in the home? The bully may then believe that bullying is an effective and acceptable way to get people to do their bidding. Bullying can result from the bully being jealous or resentful of the victim – perhaps they have attentive parents and the bully does not, perhaps the victim is a high achiever at school and the bully feels inadequate in his/her own school work. The reasons are manifold.
Who is the typical victim of bullying? Again, we perhaps envisage the fat child, the child who wears big glasses, the ‘geek’, the child with obvious physical or intellectual challenges, and so on. This is incorrect. The truth is that there is no ‘typical’ victim. A bully has no justification in his/her actions and so nothing sets the bullied child apart as being typical or deserving of the bullying. Bullying is completely unjust and the victim, while they often blame themselves, is in no way to blame for the bully’s behaviour.
Holding a bully accountable has to be handled delicately in some cases as the ‘adult in the room’ must not lose sight of the possibility that the bully is also a victim; a victim behind closed doors in a home that may be totally dysfunctional or one that presents with just enough ‘normal’ to avoid scrutiny by authorities in positions to intervene. Secrecy keeps the cycle going.
In todays world of social networking sites, twitter and tweets, and the concurrent anonymity that goes with those venues, parents and other adults need to be watchful for changes in the child who is drifting into the bully zone, whether as victim or perpetrator of mean behaviour. School administrations could develop chat sessions on a regular basis; assembly-style gatherings where students may voice concerns. An ‘open door’ policy to dialogue is critical.
You, too, can lend your ear to a child in trouble who just needs to be heard.
Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with her aging Australian silky terrier and a rambunctious Maltese. She can be reached via email at carmacrockwell@xplornet.ca
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