Impact of selective eugenics on the disability community

 

Photo: Unsplash

In 1954, I came into the world with a disability, later to be officially diagnosed as spastic diplegic cerebral palsy. Twelve years of 4 times daily therapy followed. To say life was challenging is an understatement. Aging has tested my daily living in ways that will never be experienced by those who have no such impediment to freedom of movement, but I press on. I have to. Though many would say I do have a choice, in the grand scheme, any choice I have would mean giving up my autonomy, bit by bit. That will never do. 

Historically, disability was viewed as a moral problem, often bringing disgrace to families who had a disabled loved one. When I was in university many moons ago, I had a conversation with Dad about Mom ‘over-exercising’ me as a child. Now I have to ask myself – ‘was she?’ Were it not for that intensive daily therapy, I’d probably not be walking today, at 69 years of age. I’ve had conversations over the years with therapists who say some parents aren’t hands on enough and they, the therapist, can tell when a child’s not been regularly ‘physioed’ at home as per instructions.

Dating to my years in university, I’ve been keeping up, if only in a limited way, with the literature related to eugenics and persons with disability and other such ‘undesirables’. As the show tune goes, ‘there’s a place for us!’ We, as a society, have to decide that regardless of the deficits to physicality, intellect and emotionality, all have a right to a life well lived, as well as they can live it.

Those who can really have a moral duty to support and lift up those who need guidance to be safe and happy. Playing that role ensures balance across the board, with a sharing of the ‘community load’ to make everything run along smoothly. A win-win.

It would require volumes to discuss why persons with disability have been treated so inhumanely through the centuries. Based on my own understanding as a person so designated, we were thought to be instruments of the Devil, to be feared, to be starved, whipped, abused in unimaginable ways. Scary times.  Plato and Aristotle sanctioned infanticide for eugenic and economic reasons, believing that infants with disabilities would burden the system’s resources,” writes Irmo Marini referencing work by Hugh G. Gallagher.

Many were subjected to various forms of abuse right up until the end of World War II!

It pains me to know that in various parts of the world atrocities towards persons with disability continue to this day despite the 1991 UN adoption of Principles for the Protection of Persons with Mental Illness. Prisons and streets across the globe are filled with the disenfranchised challenged by a range of insults to health and wellness. Genocide will never be the answer. One way of controlling undesirable population growth, which is still practice today to an extent, was through sterilization, abortion or other forms of ‘family planning’.

With advancements in medical science with regard to reproductive health and procreation, families can plan what type of traits they want in a child. Should undesirable traits appear, in a prenatal screening, as example, the option to terminate exists. Eliminating human characteristics seen as undesirable in the unborn effectively diminishes those among us who are already here; we’re seen as burdens in some situations, which could set the stage for new eugenics practices. That would be untenable, quite frankly and the very thought puts fear and loathing into the hearts and minds of the disability community across the globe. To undermine social acceptance and solidarity must never happen. We’ve come too far.

Don’t get me started on the rise in the promotion of assisted dying. What goes on behind closed doors with persons with disability who are still able to minimally care for themselves and are of sound mind but are supported by daily caregiver? Caregiver fatigue may inspire certain conversations that should never take place unless a third person is present to act as advocate for the person with life challenges.  The perception is that it’s better to be dead than alive with disability, and to disturb the mental health of those who struggle with the notion that they don’t deserve to live is a crime in itself.

If we see people struggling, we must speak up. A ‘death of convenience’ is never the solution. Counselling for all involved in the struggle to cope is available. Advocating for caregivers and those for whom they provide care is vital to community health. Compassion in action.

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with Miss Lexie, a rambunctious Maltese and Mr. Malcolm, a boisterous Havanese. She can be reached via email at  Carla MacInnis Rockwell

Meals on Wheels is vital to community

Photo Submitted: Meals on Wheels

As I was developing this piece about Meals on Wheels and their significant contribution to the communities they serve, it occurs to me that I, too, benefit from meals on wheels -- delivered to my desk while I write or my lounge chair while I binge on a favourite BritDram. My wheels take the form of a wheeled walker that I began using when it became clear it wasn’t safe for me to carry plates of food with one hand while balancing my walking with the other, touching furniture and the like. The meals are home made, from scratch. If you see yourself in that image, consider your own wheels for meals for in-home use. You won’t be disappointed. I only wish the model I got was available in red.

Meals on Wheels Fredericton, in operation since 1967, would struggle to meet the needs in the community where many people depend on their assistance with daily meals were it not for the volunteering spirit of people who have time to give. As with many other volunteer agencies, they’re always looking for ‘new blood’. If you feel you’d like to be part of their team, give them a call at 506-458-9482.

Even where I live, serviced by Upper Nashwaak Community Outreach, Meals on Wheels volunteers are always being sought after.  If interested, call 506-367-7735 for information.

More volunteers are needed across the board, with all service agencies, from those catering to the needs of infants and children right on through to community services for the elderly and infirm. Delivering meals is one such service that contributes to the health and wellness of those who don’t easily get out and about to participate in the community. What must never be forgotten is that they are still part of the community. The volunteers who devote time and attention to meeting these needs are often seen as unsung heroes. You’ll never hear them singing their own praises. That’s not why they do what they do. 

Ranks of volunteers with Meals on Wheels and other agencies of volunteer service routinely ‘top up’ to ensure they have enough bodies to get the jobs done. Many have been with them for decades and among that number quite a few volunteer with other services agencies. Imagine what our communities would be like without them? So, to Lynne and Marc Aube and all the rest of the teams out there  -- “you are appreciated, you matter and we see you. Thank you.”

                                                   

To know that meals are prepared at the well equipped facilities at the Dr. Everett Chalmers Hospital and the Meals On Wheels kitchen ensures that accommodation is made for a range of dietary restrictions, reassuring to family members of those who are recipients of the meals. As well, it’s heartening to know that those nutritious meals are delivered by caring people who do much more than deliver food; they’re a social connection, mindful of the atmosphere of the homes they visit, and if something doesn’t seem right, doesn’t feel right, volunteers will do the ‘good citizen’ thing and connect with someone who can visit the home to assess needs.

As this little old lady senior educated herself about the services available via Meals on Wheels, I learned about The Wheels to Meals Senior Dine-out luncheon program, in operation since 2000. Though the program has been on pause throughout the pandemic, relaunch is anticipated in the Fall.  Every Tuesday from September to May, approximately 50 seniors dine and engage in conversation,  with entertainment provided by local volunteer groups. The dedicated volunteers who provide transportation to and from such events are doing more than they perhaps realize. Boosting the number of volunteers strengthens the program so that no one who needs a hand up gets left out. Proper nutrition provided by Meals On Wheels also dials back episodes of dementia. When frail seniors eat in isolation, they often don’t eat enough, drink enough water, etc. A real live person with whom to engage is just as important as the food on the plate.

These opportunities for social connection contribute to the physical and emotional health of all who avail themselves of the services, whether client or volunteer. Volunteering gives purpose to daily life of those who have left a decades long ‘dressed for success’ worklife to join groups to fill their retirement days in a meaningful way while meeting with people who are challenged by issues that limit their full inclusion in community life. Aging and declining health impact the body and soul in ways that significantly contribute to people ‘working themselves into a state’ out of frustration and loneliness.

 

I learned decades ago, in a conversation with my father, who ‘doctored’ in Carleton County communities out of the then Northern Carleton Hospital, that a certain percentage of his admitted patients were hospitalized to treat social isolation. A day or two in the hospital was often sufficient for the person to reset him/herself emotionally, return home and carry on until the next wave of fear and anxiety overtook them. Physicians would do well to pay attention to what they’re not hearing during consults/assessments. They’re often key players in recommending that patients be assessed for programs such as Meals on Wheels or Extra Mural Program. Ultimately, it’s a collaborative effort and one that is important for every community where seniors are striving diligently to ‘age in place’. 

Bon appétit!

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with Miss Lexie, a rambunctious Maltese and Mr. Malcolm, a boisterous Havanese. She can be reached via email at Carla MacInnis Rockwell

The housing insecure need uplifting

 

Photo: Unsplash

Housing insecurity is not a new thing that’s going away anytime soon. Certain segments of the population by virtue of a life lived on the fringes will always be insecure given limited income reduces their opportunities to have the home of their dreams. For them, it’s a juggling act. One dropped ball could throw their whole existence into panic.

Thankfully, we do have systems in place that offer supports for those needing a hand up. Subsidized housing is one such mechanism but it does have drawbacks, if one can call them that.  As example, a single mother and her minor child live in a 2 bedroom apartment and she receives a sum based on the number of persons in the home. She and her child have lived in the same place for years, receiving a monthly benefit, often financial assistance through Health and Community Services. Once the child ‘ages out’ of the system of government support, Mom may have to move and with that is a reduction in her monthly income. Costs associated with moving may be prohibitive. Then what?  And where will she go?

The term ‘welfare’ conjures up all manner of negative connotations which is unfortunate because no one wants to ‘live on welfare’ as a life goal. It’s demeaning and it’s demoralizing; a punch to the gut especially when the individual may have a health challenge, whether physical, mental or emotional and is not and never will be able to contribute to the labour market in any sustained way. They can, however, contribute in other ways, if given opportunity. 

Those of us who can have a duty to be unbegrudgingly uplifting to those who struggle making dollars stretch to cover housing, food, other household maintenance amenities. There’s little left for discretionary spending and when there’s belt tightening, a single mother will most always meet the needs of her child before her own.

It is not our job to police how those of lesser means spend their money, regardless of where it comes from. In today’s world, television and computer, no longer considered luxury items, are a vital part of education and employment advancement; a significant part of daily life for the majority of us. An internet connected computer is often the way out of a challenging situation, like minimum wage employment that is no longer meeting the financial costs associated with living. 

What all of us can do is advocate for more enriching training programs that are relevant to the times in which we live and will hold the interest of students undertaking to educate themselves to be job ready in situations that allow them to show what they’re really made of. Setting the stage with education and apprenticeship allows participants to get on track to pay their own way, effectively reimbursing the ‘public purse’ that was available to help them when they needed it.                                    

By definition, affordable, with regard to housing/accommodations, is set at 30 percent or less of household income. According to Global News, “a report from a tenant advocacy organization shows that the number of of affordable units in New Brunswick declined rapidly from 2016 to 2021, with the New Brunswick Coalition for Tenants’ Rights releasing a report in early May showing that the number of units priced at $750/month and below and fell by at least 8,600 or 25 percent over a 5 year period. Units available during that time rented for $1,200-$1,499 doubled and those over $1,500 tripled.”

To be caught in the hamster wheel of chasing through each month focused almost exclusively on how to pay for it all is beyond stressful. You and I don’t have to be living in it to know that. Then add a child or two into the mix; small children may share a room, with Mom in the other. Fathers may or may not be involved, or the household’s Mom is actually a Dad playing a dual role. They can’t afford the luxury of wishful thinking when worry about how to put food on the table is foremost in their mind.

Many communities are under-serving those in most need of safe, health, clean and affordable housing for themselves and their families, which often may include the verboten cat or dog. When it comes to pet occupants, size does matter and sometimes concessions can be made if prospective tenants in financial crisis have previously demonstrated that they were respectful of previous home or apartment rentals with their pet in tow.  That respectful care will hold them in good stead if they find themselves in need of new accommodations and hope to include their pet. A person’s housing choices are often attached to the needs of a pet, particularly if the companion animal is the only emotional attachment the individual has in life. 

Prices have taken a huge jump as more and more outside investors are buying up properties with tenants already in place, and immediately doubling or trebling the rent. That practice is forcing people out of the places they’ve called home for years. There doesn’t seem to be much recourse as owners are not in the province and their agent/management staff field all tenant inquiries, sometimes not in a satisfactory way. As more of us become voice for those who feel they won’t be heard, changes will come. Be that person.

There’s health and safety in numbers.

  

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with Miss Lexie, a rambunctious Maltese and Mr. Malcolm, a boisterous Havanese. She can be reached via email at  Carla MacInnis Rockwell

Social frailty is a community challenge

Photo: Freysteinn G. Jonsson/Unsplash

Social frailty is defined by an inability to safely and smoothly live from day to day with ease, free of physical, emotional, mental and financial burdens. Very often elderly persons with one or more health challenges that impact daily living don’t have the community resources necessary to enrich their lives to relieve the isolation of home alone solitary living.

                                                                                                

Many in my world might consider me socially frail because I don’t move about easily within the community, relying on a few mobility aids, a wheelchair or crutches when spending time in the city for shopping, and a mobility scooter for ‘running the roads’ where I live, just outside, Fredericton, NB. My involvement/presence within the community is, for the most part, functional – to get things done – like health care appointments, grocery shopping, the occasional mall crawling and dog grooming appointments. 

Often, with no close relationships and little or no opportunity to rely on others for help, the socially frail may risk becoming more mired in the muck of isolation. They’re not always active in community groups or religious organizations or live in neighborhoods may not be safe. Here’s the thing, though. Many, if asked, would like to be. Would love to be.

According to a 2014 Japanese study, “men with social frailty were more vulnerable than women to a decline in their psychological function and cognition domains. Therefore, the advanced management of social frailty is necessary to facilitate healthy aging.”

Perhaps a community cooking class for men followed by a shared meal with their dinner date. Activities such as this are ideal ways to opening doors to other community/social opportunities which enhance quality of life.

Closer to home, our aging population, regardless of gender, may benefit from an ongoing daily plan to counter the effects of social frailty. That is not to say that we who are aging need to be looked after/sat with, interacted with on a daily basis. Many people, myself included, are creatures of solitary habits. That’s not a bad thing, but with the passage of time, as more peers are passing away due to implications of illness or old age, it’s important to do wellness checks on those who really are more on their own than is safe, based on medical standards of care.

COVID shone a light on manifold inequalities experienced by the aged and those living with since birth/long term disability and those plagued by bare minimum classroom education and minimum wage work life employment. Being ‘confined to quarters’ was a challenge to millions of people who had a lifetime of being used to coming and going, socially connecting on their own initiative or being included by others, individuals and groups.

Establishing a network of social connectedness goes a long way to reducing social frailty and reducing health care costs. The engaged person is a happier person, a more physically healthy person. It reasons that communities across the country would be well served by stepping up programs and services of outreach to those who are rarely seen or heard from.

Inequalities in health care continue to put the socially frail at risk as they lack the resources to reach out and touch, to coin that popular television advertisement phrase. We who can must do the reaching out. One day we may find ourselves in need of similar networking supports and to fully appreciate what it means while we are young allows us to strategize with like minded men and women in the community to ensure that the ‘least among us’ have their needs met.

Financial stress, transportation problems, concerns about affordable housing are uppermost in the minds of older persons as they get close to the typical retirement age. Are they ready for what that means. Will an often reduced income allow them to continue living in the manner to which they’ve been accustomed?  Having to give up the family home because it’s too expensive is a worry that impacts seniors who never had a solid plan over the decades before they ‘aged into’ the 60s-70s zone. Panic exacerbates dementia, compounding the problem.        

Social frailty is the enemy of many senior, elderly and advanced geriatric men and women, but it doesn’t have to diminish quality of life if systems of support are put in place to cover all the bases. 

Nursing home care is expensive and wait times for beds can be long; some patients actually expire while waiting for admission. Quality of life for the socially frail could be significantly enhanced if community school systems, as example, incorporated studies in home ‘friendly visiting’ care with seniors as part of course credit. Match students with seniors in the community to ensure an enriched mutually beneficial relationships. School boards, school administrators, provincial departments of labour, health and education could collaborate on a range of schemes that engage two populations with different needs and different skills. 

Independent living requires a high degree of mental acuity; from self care, to meal planning and preparing, to home care, pet care and friends care. Inviting people in if you cannot go out is a great way to connect and engage. 

It’s been my experience that being mentally engaged allows the older, isolated person to stave off the angst of home alone living, staying alert and aware -- both tools to ward off dementia. Scrabble, anyone?

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with Miss Lexie, a rambunctious Maltese and Mr. Malcolm, a boisterous Havanese. She can be reached via email at  Carla MacInnis Rockwell

You can say no, I promise!

 

Almost immediately, as I started ‘penning’ this piece, a tune from a favourite musical popped into my head. Now I can’t get it out; the words of Richard Rodgers as delivered in the production of Oklahoma for both stage and screen resonate.

   “I'm just a girl who cain't say no

   I'm in a terrible fix

   I always say "come on, let's go!"

   Jist when I orta say nix…”

I and others are of similar mind with regard to volunteerism; getting ‘sucked in’ and not being able to say no, or fearing that if we do say no, we won’t be well regarded and that people won’t like us. We should be able to be comfortable saying no without being pressured to alter our position, or have our decision dissected by those seeking our help.

It is, indeed, a pervasive concern for many who do want to be involved but have so much other ‘stuff’ going on in their lives they don’t want to spread themselves too thin.

Not long ago, I had a conversation with a friend who volunteers across a wide platform — church suppers, food bank, various functions at the elementary school where she’s taught for years and now functions within a few hours a week, along with other volunteering in and around where she lives. She’s good at what she does and she enjoys it but she’s agreed that sometimes she does take on too much, not wanting to say no; not wanting to disappoint, etc.

Just because we said no to being available to bake pies for a church supper doesn’t mean we won’t be available to serve at that same supper. The one asking shouldn’t get her knickers in a knot because we said no to one component of the event.

The fellow you had to turn down seeking your help to load winter stove wood shouldn’t be annoyed if he sees you helping another neighbour remove yard debris. 

At the time we said no, we really needed to do so. But when we say yes to another request, especially if the parties know each other, it has potential to create ill will. “Why did he help him but wouldn’t give me a hand?”  Save yourself the stress. Don’t ask. Just accept that our lives take many twists and turns and there was no intent of personal slight. 

Unfortunately, there are some who will immediately feel that they weren’t valued enough to be considered. Others will think that previous behaviour on their part has offended the person they asked for help so it has soured the relationship. All those damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenarios. The bottom line is that we can’t be all things to all people all the time, and sometimes we just need to say no for our own benefit. That is not being selfish. That’s self care.

Sadly,  year after year after year, the same people seeming to be doing it all are YES people when they may want to coast along in the NO lane. If they say no, they fear the whole process of organising that church supper will fall apart.  That the school play just can’t get along without them.

What seems to be overlooked by so many others is that they enjoy all the benefits of those church suppers, and fall fairs, and craft shows without much thought to how it all comes together? There are no gremlins or dancing bears scampering around in the middle of the night  making pies and soups and salads and setting up tables. Real live men and women are doing it — the same real live men and women, year after year. They’re tired. Some of them are in their mid 80s. Did you know that? 

While you were helping yourself to another roll and pat of butter at the table in the church hall enjoying a roast beef dinner, did you know that a 74 year old woman in the kitchen at the sink doing dishes was having chest pain? She’s okay, but maybe one of you 40 year olds could step in and do your part. Become a volunteer — for the next 30 years! Invite your children and a few of your friends to join you. Show them that caring about your community means giving to your community. According to a dog training book I read years ago, nothing in life is free. The same is true for us humans. When we receive, we must be aware that giving, though not expected, is a reward in itself. 

Summer outings and gatherings will soon be in full swing, so now’s your chance to find your niche. COVID fears are still present for many and being a good neighbour, especially to those whose situations isolate them from community is the perfect way to reach out. Older men and women who had to limit their participation still have talents to share. Call them. Drop in for a meet and greet. They can be included in other ways.

The COVID experience, across the province and across the country, has opened our eyes to huge gaps in care with regard to service provision to those who are less able, less physically and financially healthy. 

In crack filling with our service, we actually reduce stressors across the board, fostering inclusion. Always a good thing.

 Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with Miss Lexie, a rambunctious Maltese and Mr. Malcolm, a boisterous Havanese. She can be reached via email at Carla MacInnis Rockwell

Talents and tenacity

 

Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which, in prosperous circumstances, would have lain dormant. [Homer]

    Did my adversity, or what I call a life challenge, plant the seeds of my talents, of my tenacity to press on in spite of? As I look back on my life and reflect upon where I started and how far I’ve come, I have to say yes, my limitations to physical mobility did, most assuredly, develop my talents. 

    I have a talent for writing among other things. That particular gift has allowed me to take on the role of mentor, both in person, early in my growing up and work life and later on, as I move to the online world to share what I know about life and living with disability. 

    Certainly, as to the writer me, genetics played a role; my father had the gift of words, as did his late brother.  Both physicians, my uncle went on to have a successful 2nd career as a newspaper columnist offering medical advice. His columns were later developed into a book. Lucky me! I have a signed copy. He and my father would be pleased to know that I’ve found a niche online, particularly since aging with cerebral palsy has impacted my ability to move about easily and freely in the day to day, touchy feely world.

    In today’s internet connected world that links us together in ways that we never could have imagined 20 or 30 years ago, we have opportunity explore many avenues of interest at the same time, shifting from one computer screen to another; taking it all in, like a greedy puppy.

    With all the technological advancements that enhance learning opportunities, why do so many still struggle? Talent and tenacity isn’t always enough. And so enters mentoring. Someone who believes in what you can do and is willing to share what they’ve learned on their own journey so that yours may be easier. 

    Simply put, many students, young or old, rely on people power to enrich their learning process.  Joining with one or two, three or four people not only allows for sharing ideas to organize thoughtful study, it’s a way to network to establish other relationships that may be more social in nature. Aligning with another who’s been there, done that is one of the best ways to ensure that what you’re diving into is going to stick. Social interactions are critical to development, from cradle to grave. 

Mentoring men and women of any age who need a guiding hand is a way that those who have talents to share are able to do so with the knowledge that they are lifting up others to a more level playing field. That is always a good thing. The beauty of it is that, over time, there’s a reciprocity as students become teachers and coach others in skills needed to advance in school or in the workplace.

Families living on the financial fringes trying to raise children through the various ages and stages of development and education very often struggle with the cost of it all. Joining forces with a mentor or two is a way for them to keep up with less physical and emotional strain, which is so draining on a family’s resources in the long term and makes the jobs of Mom and Dad more challenging.

Mentoring has no specific age requirement but it reasons that many toddlers aren’t quite up to the challenge, though some would have a go at teaching a playmate how to make a peanut butter sandwich. 

Children who come into the world with any sort of impediment or challenge to daily living and inclusion, however developed, have to be guided carefully if an intact intellect is present so that they can become students, however adept, of a range of disciplines, whether it’s colouring, weaving, learning to type, telling stories. The processes of ‘getting there’ are unique to the individual and teachers must step back, wait and watch to see what happens. 

Within a group of youngsters, there will be one or two or three who will quite naturally step into the role of mentor. Let them. That’s their own learning at work. All manner of skills are learned in an environment that’s not particularly structured. That, alone, makes the steps more easily remembered and put into action the next time. 

Children with disability are presented with many opportunities for inclusion that are compatible with their situations so that they are able to experience even a modicum of success without fear of failure. Feelings of insecurity often weigh particularly heavily on children who struggle to find their place in a peer group; for some, who have the gift of language, mentoring becomes easier as confidence grows. Leading reading groups is often a great place to start. Teachers and other adults in their world should encourage after school reading circles. It’s a great way to expand social circles outside of the classroom and it takes the pressure off the struggling reader as he expands his portfolio of talents. Talents that will carry him through his academic career and beyond. Community theatre is another avenue that children with challenges can explore. 

So many opportunities are available today that weren’t even thought of when I was in grade school; even in smaller communities there are endless opportunities to explore ourselves from the inside out. According to Shakespeare, “all the world’s a stage.”

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with Miss Lexie, a rambunctious Maltese and Mr. Malcolm, a boisterous Havanese. She can be reached via email at Carla MacInnis Rockwell

Sustaining friendship creates community

The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. [Wilson Mizner]

Friendships take many forms and can span decades, from cradle to grave in some cases, when youngsters were born in the same town, where parents were friends and actively involved in all aspects of community life. It reasoned that children would go with that flow of familial connectedness and share in common interests and goals very early in their lives. Those social connections were the melting pot into which various ingredients were poured that determined the path youngsters would take as they grew into themselves. 

Twists and turns in life are inevitable; they’re all part of the learning process that allows us to find our place and accept that what we contribute is valuable and what we take away is often more valuable. We all are works in progress. Growth is accelerated when children work together and begin to realize that their contribution matters. Knowing that gives them staying power to hang in and fight the good fight; there are younger children on the sidelines watching them. It won’t be long before those new voices are heard. Teaching and learning isn’t just an adult in a classroom directing the traffic of education. Teachers help children acquire the tools to be a friend and to have friends. That’s a vital piece of the fabric of that shared experience of grade school education. Further education at the post-secondary level or jumping right into work life are other avenues of developing friendships with a broad range of people with both shared interests and those yet to be explored. To coin an oft-used phrase – it’s not the quantity of friends but the quality of friends that provides the framework upon which we build our own lives with our own families.

Our first friends are our siblings. Our parents aren’t supposed to be our friends though many adults lay claim to that sort of relationship with their children. Call me an old poop, but a parent is a parent; a teacher, a guide, an example.

Growing up with 7 siblings, and the closeness in age among some, friends and other connections were shared. Sports was a common thread along which friendships were formed and sustained. I didn’t have the same grade school experience as my siblings with regard to friendship development given my awkward mobility. Friendships found their way into my world when I began university and the playing field was more level by virtue of there being other students with disability present and visible. I didn’t have that experience when I was in grade school.

I like to be that friend who comes through in a crisis and it’s gratifying to know that it will be reciprocated when needs arise. It’s important for us to nurture friendships, however infrequently, though time and distance may impact ‘quality togetherness’. Internet communication lends itself well to filling in the gaps until in person meetings are available. COVID restrictions are lifted and summer travel will be in full swing and with that a rejuvenation of friendship connections that were put on the back burner. Some didn’t survive. That’s not a bad thing, though. Sometimes, people’s interests change, diverge. 

A true friend gives support without judgment, comes through in a crisis and knows just the right thing to say when it matters most. Friendships are an essential ingredient in a happy life, so it’s time to give them the care and attention they deserve. When they flounder and fail, do we blame others, or do we take time to reflect on what we could or should have done better to sustain the connection?

Family relationships often come with a dose of guilt and obligation. Friends, on the other hand, are the antidote to the burdens of daily life.

With family, we sometimes feel that we have to do this or that and feel put upon when the demands of elderly parents or an unwell sibling impinges on our ‘quality time’. In the best of circumstances, life isn’t always fair, so we have an obligation to ourselves to pause and assess what it is that we can do on a daily basis, a weekly basis, or whatever basis, to improve the circumstance of someone in our familial world who is struggling. Have multiple siblings, aunts, uncles, and others allows us to share the rota.

As is the way of the world and life, people become more focused on certain connections as they age into a new phase of their lives. Midlifers and those near retirement tend to make plans to care for an aging or elderly parent; perhaps having Mom and Dad move from the family home of their childhood into their home as a grown up, married adult with a growing family. A whole new series of connections are made that allow for different blends of friends. Always a good thing.

Though one may be inclined to feel mad or sad when a friendship weakens over time or simply ends, don’t be distressed. Unless one of the parties did something truly offensive, drifting away and apart is sometimes a natural progression that allows us to explore other streams of connectedness. There’s still room to care and share with new people who come into our lives. Be open to embracing a different journey. Expanding our social circle is good for emotional and physical health.

Try it, you’ll like it.

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with Miss Lexie, a rambunctious Maltese and Mr. Malcolm, a boisterous Havanese. She can be reached via email at  Carla MacInnis Rockwell