Almost immediately, as I started ‘penning’ this piece, a tune from a favourite musical popped into my head. Now I can’t get it out; the words of Richard Rodgers as delivered in the production of Oklahoma for both stage and screen resonate.
“I'm just a girl who cain't say no
I'm in a terrible fix
I always say "come on, let's go!"
Jist when I orta say nix…”
I and others are of similar mind with regard to volunteerism; getting ‘sucked in’ and not being able to say no, or fearing that if we do say no, we won’t be well regarded and that people won’t like us. We should be able to be comfortable saying no without being pressured to alter our position, or have our decision dissected by those seeking our help.
It is, indeed, a pervasive concern for many who do want to be involved but have so much other ‘stuff’ going on in their lives they don’t want to spread themselves too thin.
Not long ago, I had a conversation with a friend who volunteers across a wide platform — church suppers, food bank, various functions at the elementary school where she’s taught for years and now functions within a few hours a week, along with other volunteering in and around where she lives. She’s good at what she does and she enjoys it but she’s agreed that sometimes she does take on too much, not wanting to say no; not wanting to disappoint, etc.
Just because we said no to being available to bake pies for a church supper doesn’t mean we won’t be available to serve at that same supper. The one asking shouldn’t get her knickers in a knot because we said no to one component of the event.
The fellow you had to turn down seeking your help to load winter stove wood shouldn’t be annoyed if he sees you helping another neighbour remove yard debris.
At the time we said no, we really needed to do so. But when we say yes to another request, especially if the parties know each other, it has potential to create ill will. “Why did he help him but wouldn’t give me a hand?” Save yourself the stress. Don’t ask. Just accept that our lives take many twists and turns and there was no intent of personal slight.
Unfortunately, there are some who will immediately feel that they weren’t valued enough to be considered. Others will think that previous behaviour on their part has offended the person they asked for help so it has soured the relationship. All those damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenarios. The bottom line is that we can’t be all things to all people all the time, and sometimes we just need to say no for our own benefit. That is not being selfish. That’s self care.
Sadly, year after year after year, the same people seeming to be doing it all are YES people when they may want to coast along in the NO lane. If they say no, they fear the whole process of organising that church supper will fall apart. That the school play just can’t get along without them.
What seems to be overlooked by so many others is that they enjoy all the benefits of those church suppers, and fall fairs, and craft shows without much thought to how it all comes together? There are no gremlins or dancing bears scampering around in the middle of the night making pies and soups and salads and setting up tables. Real live men and women are doing it — the same real live men and women, year after year. They’re tired. Some of them are in their mid 80s. Did you know that?
While you were helping yourself to another roll and pat of butter at the table in the church hall enjoying a roast beef dinner, did you know that a 74 year old woman in the kitchen at the sink doing dishes was having chest pain? She’s okay, but maybe one of you 40 year olds could step in and do your part. Become a volunteer — for the next 30 years! Invite your children and a few of your friends to join you. Show them that caring about your community means giving to your community. According to a dog training book I read years ago, nothing in life is free. The same is true for us humans. When we receive, we must be aware that giving, though not expected, is a reward in itself.
Summer outings and gatherings will soon be in full swing, so now’s your chance to find your niche. COVID fears are still present for many and being a good neighbour, especially to those whose situations isolate them from community is the perfect way to reach out. Older men and women who had to limit their participation still have talents to share. Call them. Drop in for a meet and greet. They can be included in other ways.
The COVID experience, across the province and across the country, has opened our eyes to huge gaps in care with regard to service provision to those who are less able, less physically and financially healthy.
In crack filling with our service, we actually reduce stressors across the board, fostering inclusion. Always a good thing.
Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with Miss Lexie, a rambunctious Maltese and Mr. Malcolm, a boisterous Havanese. She can be reached via email at Carla MacInnis Rockwell
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