The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. [Wilson Mizner]
Friendships take many forms and can span decades, from cradle to grave in some cases, when youngsters were born in the same town, where parents were friends and actively involved in all aspects of community life. It reasoned that children would go with that flow of familial connectedness and share in common interests and goals very early in their lives. Those social connections were the melting pot into which various ingredients were poured that determined the path youngsters would take as they grew into themselves.
Twists and turns in life are inevitable; they’re all part of the learning process that allows us to find our place and accept that what we contribute is valuable and what we take away is often more valuable. We all are works in progress. Growth is accelerated when children work together and begin to realize that their contribution matters. Knowing that gives them staying power to hang in and fight the good fight; there are younger children on the sidelines watching them. It won’t be long before those new voices are heard. Teaching and learning isn’t just an adult in a classroom directing the traffic of education. Teachers help children acquire the tools to be a friend and to have friends. That’s a vital piece of the fabric of that shared experience of grade school education. Further education at the post-secondary level or jumping right into work life are other avenues of developing friendships with a broad range of people with both shared interests and those yet to be explored. To coin an oft-used phrase – it’s not the quantity of friends but the quality of friends that provides the framework upon which we build our own lives with our own families.
Our first friends are our siblings. Our parents aren’t supposed to be our friends though many adults lay claim to that sort of relationship with their children. Call me an old poop, but a parent is a parent; a teacher, a guide, an example.
Growing up with 7 siblings, and the closeness in age among some, friends and other connections were shared. Sports was a common thread along which friendships were formed and sustained. I didn’t have the same grade school experience as my siblings with regard to friendship development given my awkward mobility. Friendships found their way into my world when I began university and the playing field was more level by virtue of there being other students with disability present and visible. I didn’t have that experience when I was in grade school.
I like to be that friend who comes through in a crisis and it’s gratifying to know that it will be reciprocated when needs arise. It’s important for us to nurture friendships, however infrequently, though time and distance may impact ‘quality togetherness’. Internet communication lends itself well to filling in the gaps until in person meetings are available. COVID restrictions are lifted and summer travel will be in full swing and with that a rejuvenation of friendship connections that were put on the back burner. Some didn’t survive. That’s not a bad thing, though. Sometimes, people’s interests change, diverge.
A true friend gives support without judgment, comes through in a crisis and knows just the right thing to say when it matters most. Friendships are an essential ingredient in a happy life, so it’s time to give them the care and attention they deserve. When they flounder and fail, do we blame others, or do we take time to reflect on what we could or should have done better to sustain the connection?
Family relationships often come with a dose of guilt and obligation. Friends, on the other hand, are the antidote to the burdens of daily life.
With family, we sometimes feel that we have to do this or that and feel put upon when the demands of elderly parents or an unwell sibling impinges on our ‘quality time’. In the best of circumstances, life isn’t always fair, so we have an obligation to ourselves to pause and assess what it is that we can do on a daily basis, a weekly basis, or whatever basis, to improve the circumstance of someone in our familial world who is struggling. Have multiple siblings, aunts, uncles, and others allows us to share the rota.
As is the way of the world and life, people become more focused on certain connections as they age into a new phase of their lives. Midlifers and those near retirement tend to make plans to care for an aging or elderly parent; perhaps having Mom and Dad move from the family home of their childhood into their home as a grown up, married adult with a growing family. A whole new series of connections are made that allow for different blends of friends. Always a good thing.
Though one may be inclined to feel mad or sad when a friendship weakens over time or simply ends, don’t be distressed. Unless one of the parties did something truly offensive, drifting away and apart is sometimes a natural progression that allows us to explore other streams of connectedness. There’s still room to care and share with new people who come into our lives. Be open to embracing a different journey. Expanding our social circle is good for emotional and physical health.
Try it, you’ll like it.
Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with Miss Lexie, a rambunctious Maltese and Mr. Malcolm, a boisterous Havanese. She can be reached via email at Carla MacInnis Rockwell
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