Helping yourself help yourself, I’m sure you’ll agree, is an interesting concept. It’s one that we must put into practice if we are to maintain an even keel in the course of all our daily doins’.
One of the common frustrations with so many of us is that we don’t feel appreciated for what we do for others, whether on a sporadic or a daily basis. Caregivers of spouses/partners are often challenged with feelings of hopelessness because they aren’t getting enough input — words matter! If someone is looking after some or all of the needs of you or a loved one, let them know you appreciate them and their care and concern. Though you may not be able to reciprocate in kind, a verbal acknowledgement of your appreciation goes a long way. As you are able, a tangible acknowledgement of your positive regard is always welcome. To do or say nothing is not only hurtful, it’s insulting.
As plans for holiday festivities get underway for many families across the province and across the country, it’s important for us to be mindful of the challenges faced by those who don’t have the same ready access as we do to meet the needs of getting things done, whether it’s shopping for festive foods or stocking up on extra winter supplies to accommodate those major snow days. With that we must also ensure that we don’t over-extend ourselves and frustrate our own holiday enjoyment worrying about someone else. We don’t want to run the risk of creating a dependence to the exclusion of those we help at least putting forth an effort to help themselves.
Feeling ‘put upon’ is exhausting, especially if we find ourselves looking after the needs of 4,5, even 6 people on a regular/weekly basis. Who will look after us? A way to break into the quicksand feeling is to invite friends in your own circle to become ‘friendly helpers’, offering assistance to neighbours who might need a bit extra, whether daily or weekly. Your contributions also improves health and wellness of the recipient and that reduces the burden on the health care system. It’s a win-win.
If you can help without compromising your own physical or mental health, your self-respect, or your financial wellbeing, you will feel less stressed. When a situation starts sapping your own resources, it’s time to reassess your continued involvement. You have to, as the needs of some people may be beyond your ability to cope on a sustained basis. That, my friends, is nothing to feel guilty about. In reality, their situation is not your problem and the fact that you were willing to make yourself available is very telling about your character. We have to accept that we can’t save everyone, especially from themselves.
As you are able, direct your friend or the subject of your helping to other possible available resources within your community. Care must be taken not to overstep, so if you are able to furnish contact information (name, telephone number) of helping agency representatives, then you’ve done your part as a caring friend. It’s up to the recipient of your support to take the next step and make some calls to get connected to more long term, sometimes lifelong systems of support.
When someone you’ve assisted, whether for weeks, months or even a few years doesn’t seem keen on improving their situation with regard to helping themselves, or if there’s no recpiprocity of some kind, then you may have to make the decision, however painful, to significantly limit or terminate the relationship, so that resentment doesn’t build to the point of irrevocably blowing up the friendship. The provider of care and concern may feel entrapped and that’s not a good place to be.
For myself, I’d be in a fine mess were it not for the friendship I have with my dinner and a movie pal, who has made herself available, as required, to take me to Fredericton to pick up a grocery order at Victory, do a mall crawl, a shopping at a supermarket, and other errands, including taking dogs to the groomer, Thank goodness I don’t abuse her on a weekly basis; she’d have disowned me years ago. On our city outings, I provide lunch. Once home, I try to send her off with a care package — portions of dinner meals I’ve stashed in the freezer, slices of cake, a loaf of bread, a jar of soup.
Long ago, I told her to never say yes when she really needed/wanted to say no. Like me, she’s home alone, too, so my limited ability to reciprocate appeals to her — I like to bake and cook; she doesn’t! Food is the great equalizer.
Long ago, I told her to never say yes when she really needed/wanted to say no. Like me, she’s home alone, too, so my limited ability to reciprocate appeals to her — I like to bake and cook; she doesn’t! Food is the great equalizer.
Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with her aging Australian silky terrier and a rambunctious Maltese. She can be reached via email at carmacrockwell@xplornet.ca
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