The bullies and the bullied: a growing crisis

        As I read the headlines, splashed across many newspapers around the world, I was at once disgusted and sickened to know that such a thing could happen so close to home. ‘Such a thing’ was the blatant abuse of Brett Corbett, a student at Glace Bay High School, in Nova Scotia. Brett lives with cerebral palsy.

During lunch break, while at school, Mr. Corbett, was bullied into lying down in a stream, his body used as a bridge by the main instigator — a girl. The young man initially said it was a dare, though later investigations revealed that he was threatened by the girl, whose name was not published.

We all know that children bully. Why do some children bully, day after day after day without consequence? What makes a person a target, to be abused from first grade to 7th, to 12th? These question do have answers. Setting the stage to draw them out, in the form of round table discussions, could help. Organize groups, based on age appropriateness, develop the questions and then discuss the issues to pull out the answers. 

Girls bully, too! And they’re vicious. Why are they so vicious? What’s going on in their world that put them in the position of being a bully? Is their father a bully? Is their mother a bully? Are they being bullied by a sibling, older or younger? Children learn what they live and they act out on that. Some children go too far, with no filter, because no one has shown them, told them on a consistent basis what is and what is not acceptable.

The ‘fairer sex’ is more prone to a particular form of bullying, relational bullying, that has serious and potentially life altering or sadly, life ending consequences in some cases. They may use ostracism, rumour spreading or gossip to sabotage another child's peer relationships and isolate him from the group. 

I know why Brett went along with the demand put upon him. Like Brett, I live with cerebral palsy, but I grew up at a time when bullying wasn’t so overt. In fact, even covert bullying wasn’t part of my world when I was in grade school. Brett subjected himself to the abuses because he thought it would gain him acceptance. He wanted to fit in. Don’t we all? What he didn’t expect was how it would really make him feel — to see all those people gathered around, pointing and jeering at him, the object of their collective taunts. That had to hurt — a lot.

In complying, however, he gave up his personhood in that moment, and in the moments that followed with all those bystanders pointing and laughing. No one stepping in to stop it, to say it was wrong. Did this go beyond bullying? I assert that it did. It was a hate crime. Hate crimes against persons with disability are often under- or never reported because the victim and perpetrator know each other and fear of escalation is a concern. As such, school administration has a duty to address it in a way that is impactful and not simply dismissed as a youthful prank.

Abuses can be anything from a push, a shove, kicked away crutch or a cane, blocking a wheeelchair user from passing by you or in front of you. In school, bullying can come in the form of being excluded, never picked for team sports, even though the disability won’t compromise inclusion. All of those slings and arrows leave marks; sometimes for life.

One reason children and young adults with special health care needs might be at higher risk for bullying is lack of peer support, which serve as mechanisms of protection and prevention. Perhaps a buddy system could be put in place to pair children with special needs with an age-appropriate peer who could act as a buffer as well as become a friend. Very often, when asked, children with no challenges to fully functioning in the classroom are more than amenable to helping. It tends to be their parents who balk. Parents have the misguided notion that their child’s quality of education is compromised because they’ve become a ‘babysitter’ to a classmate with challenges. That’s a very narrow view that squashes potential for interpersonal growth during critical learning stages. Parents need to just step aside.

I’d like to see adminstration in Brett’s school develop a committee comprised of teachers, students and parents/community members to maintain open dialogue about the issue of bullying and what needs to be done to seriously address the concerns of the victimized.

To Mr. Corbett, I say — stand up and be proud of who you are. Cerebral palsy must never define you. It might limit some of your choices but it doesn’t determine what you can do with lots of hard work and the knowledge that you are a person of value and deserve to be respected.

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with her aging Australian silky terrier and a rambunctious Maltese. She can be reached via email at carmacrockwell@xplornet.ca 

Sometimes too much help is neither helpful or healthy

Helping yourself help yourself, I’m sure you’ll agree, is an interesting concept. It’s one that we must put into practice if we are to maintain an even keel in the course of all our daily doins’. 

One of the common frustrations with so many of us is that we don’t feel appreciated for what we do for others, whether on a sporadic or a daily basis. Caregivers of spouses/partners are often challenged with feelings of hopelessness because they aren’t getting enough input — words matter! If someone is looking after some or all of the needs of you or a loved one, let them know you appreciate them and their care and concern. Though you may not be able to reciprocate in kind, a verbal acknowledgement of your appreciation goes a long way. As you are able, a tangible acknowledgement of your positive regard is always welcome. To do or say nothing is not only hurtful, it’s insulting.

As plans for holiday festivities get underway for many families across the province and across the country, it’s important for us to be mindful of the challenges faced by those who don’t have the same ready access as we do to meet the needs of getting things done, whether it’s shopping for festive foods or stocking up on extra winter supplies to accommodate those major snow days. With that we must also ensure that we don’t over-extend ourselves and frustrate our own holiday enjoyment worrying about someone else. We don’t want to run the risk of creating a dependence to the exclusion of those we help at least putting forth an effort to help themselves. 

Feeling ‘put upon’ is exhausting, especially if we find ourselves looking after the needs of 4,5, even 6 people on a regular/weekly basis. Who will look after us? A way to break into the quicksand feeling is to invite friends in your own circle to become ‘friendly helpers’, offering assistance to neighbours who might need a bit extra, whether daily or weekly. Your contributions also improves health and wellness of the recipient and that reduces the burden on the health care system. It’s a win-win.

If you can help without compromising your own physical or mental health, your self-respect, or your financial wellbeing, you will feel less stressed. When a situation starts sapping your own resources, it’s time to reassess your continued involvement. You have to, as the needs of some people may be beyond your ability to cope on a sustained basis. That, my friends, is nothing to feel guilty about. In reality, their situation is not your problem and the fact that you were willing to make yourself available is very telling about your character. We have to accept that we can’t save everyone, especially from themselves.

As you are able, direct your friend or the subject of your helping to other possible available resources within your community. Care must be taken not to overstep, so if you are able to furnish contact information (name, telephone number) of helping agency representatives, then you’ve done your part as a caring friend. It’s up to the recipient of your support to take the next step and make some calls to get connected to more long term, sometimes lifelong systems of support.

When someone you’ve assisted, whether for weeks, months or even a few years doesn’t seem keen on improving their situation with regard to helping themselves, or if there’s no recpiprocity of some kind, then you may have to make the decision, however painful, to significantly limit or terminate the relationship, so that resentment doesn’t build to the point of irrevocably blowing up the friendship. The provider of care and concern may feel entrapped and that’s not a good place to be.

For myself, I’d be in a fine mess were it not for the friendship I have with my dinner and a movie pal, who has made herself available, as required,  to take me to Fredericton to pick up a grocery order at Victory, do a mall crawl, a shopping at a supermarket, and other errands, including taking dogs to the groomer, Thank goodness I don’t abuse her on a weekly basis; she’d have disowned me years ago. On our city outings, I provide lunch. Once home, I try to send her off with a care package — portions of dinner meals I’ve stashed in the freezer, slices of cake, a loaf of bread, a jar of soup.

Long ago, I told her to never say yes when she really needed/wanted to say no. Like me, she’s home alone, too, so my limited ability to reciprocate appeals to her — I like to bake and cook; she doesn’t! Food is the great equalizer.

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with her aging Australian silky terrier and a rambunctious Maltese. She can be reached via email at carmacrockwell@xplornet.ca