Even the bullies are lonely

Much has been written about bullying, about loneliness, about isolation, about being alone. Being alone and being lonely are not synonymous; however, being a bully and being isolated have potential to be  significant problems for anyone who uses the ‘big bat’ of bullying behaviour to get what they want or what they think they want or what they believe is there right to have. Often, the true bully has no filter, running roughshod through life, consequences be damned. One may question whether the behaviour is learned or if one is born to bully; a genetic flaw that shapes a person from cradle to grave.

Our schools have had to cope with bullies of all ages and stages, from kindergarten to twelfth grade and beyond. Teachers make every effort to respond to concerns in a timely fashion, whether it’s having conversations with the bullying student to meeting with parents to discuss ways to correct behaviour. Where to start? Where did the problem originate? Can we know that? Does it begin at home? Is the bully born within the blending of genetics, or is the bully designed by circumstances that are perceived as negative to his/her own agenda?

In school, the bully reign may last for a few years or for several, as they develop skilful ways to hide who they really are. They torment just enough to make a point to their targets, often having a list of regulars; the easy marks. But then something happens - many targets grow up and develop a maturity that allows them to stand up and defend themselves. But what about the rest? Will they always be victimised by the bully? What about the bully? Yes, bullies can outgrow the behaviour that puts almost every aspect of their life into chaos.  It requires a commitment to change and it requires that teachers and others accept the sincerity of the attempt to make changes, lending support as and when required.

There are lots of great teachers in our school, often going quietly about the business of parenting children who are struggling. Being the second Mom or Dad for one who may not be fully or ever available in the home, the home room teacher is often the first line of defence - the beacon in the storm for the struggling child; the bully, needs help but just doesn’t know how to ask for it. 

Sometimes bullying stops without intervention when the behaviour stops paying off. Sadly, though,  some bullies will continue to relate to the world that way all their lives because they never learn to behave differently. No one holds up a mirror to them so they can see what is happening because of their behavior.

Contrary to popular belief, the bully is not necessarily the biggest or strongest boy or girl in the class.  The bully may often seem to be very demure and gentle and it can come as a shock to the teachers and/or parents to find that this child is bullying someone.  Often bullying children are seeking attention due to a lack of love, support and/or attention from their parents.   Are they being bullied in the home? The bully may then believe that bullying is an effective and acceptable way to get people to do their bidding. Bullying can result from the bully being jealous or resentful of the victim – perhaps they have attentive parents and the bully does not, perhaps the victim is a high achiever at school and the bully feels inadequate in his/her own school work. The reasons are manifold.

Who is the typical victim of bullying?  Again, we perhaps envisage the fat child, the child who wears big glasses, the ‘geek’, the child with obvious physical or intellectual challenges, and so on. This is incorrect.  The truth is that there is no ‘typical’ victim.  A bully has no justification in his/her actions and so nothing sets the bullied child apart as being typical or deserving of the bullying.  Bullying is completely unjust and the victim, while they often blame themselves, is in no way to blame for the bully’s behaviour. 

Holding a bully accountable has to be handled delicately in some cases as the ‘adult in the room’ must not lose sight of the possibility that the bully is also a victim; a victim behind closed doors in a home that may be totally dysfunctional or one that presents with just enough ‘normal’ to avoid scrutiny by authorities in positions to intervene. Secrecy keeps the cycle going.

In todays world of social networking sites, twitter and tweets, and the concurrent anonymity that goes with those venues, parents and other adults need to be watchful for changes in the child who is drifting into the bully zone, whether as victim or perpetrator of mean behaviour. School administrations could develop chat sessions on a regular basis; assembly-style gatherings where students may voice concerns. An ‘open door’ policy to dialogue is critical.

You, too, can lend your ear to a child in trouble who just needs to be heard. 

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with her aging Australian silky terrier and a rambunctious Maltese. She can be reached via email at carmacrockwell@xplornet.ca 

Mr. Digby's on a diet

       It was Friday,  11 March, 2011, and Mr. Digby the Australian  Silky Terrier aka The Terrorist aka The Thief aka Too Smart for His Own Good went on a diet! On that date, he was groomed and weighed 2 pounds over his ideal weight of 14 pounds. That’s a lot for such a little dude but he carried it well, according to the vet. Of course, it’s winter and we tend to put on a few – to stay warm, right? In the case of a dog, that’s actually true, so that they can survive the elements. In fact, the groomer said that Mr. Digby’s combo Cairn-Yorkie coat was perfect for the weather, unlike the 4 Yorkies she had groomed earlier in the day – they were fine-haired, shivery little things.

I had started putting Mr. D, as I call him, outside for longer periods of time beginning in late September to boost up his upcoming winter coat. Obviously, it worked because prior to grooming he looked like some unkempt cave-dweller who hadn’t seen a bath and a brush in ages.

Action was taken that very evening, once Mr. D and I got back from the city. I didn’t actually put him on a diet – he gets ¼ cup of food and two halves of  2 different kinds of biscuits at 8a.m and an identical portion of food at 6p.m. – if he’s not promptly served, he wails at me or throws toys; he can tell time! The lad is seriously demanding, but funny.

What I did do, however, was start a new regimen – I measured out his ¼ cup of food and put it in his treats ball That ball is almost the size of his head and he’s able to pick it up, grabbing on to the indentations, and flinging it. Most often, I’ll put just a few treats in it and he’ll roll it around the house – I’d give it to him mid-afternoon. The rules of the game changed – now, it was going to deliver his daily meals. I wasn’t sure if he’d go for that but what the heck, I’m alpha bitch! He either ate or didn’t. Up to him.  That first evening, I filled the ball and he leaped at me, full of anticipation, grabbing the ball and running off with it, to fling it around. As pieces of kibble fell to the floor, he chased after them – I timed the process. From start to finish, it took him a full ½ hour to empty the ball. That’s one ½ hour of exercise down! I had put the 2 biscuit halves in his food bowl in the kitchen. He ran out to get one, ran back to the hand-hooked rug in the hall way between my bedroom and the guest room, to eat the biscuit. Then, he made a mad dash to the kitchen to fetch the other and similarly dispose of it. The food in treats ball was a success.

The next morning, again I fill the ball and dispensed biscuit halves. Again, it took him ½ hour to finish his breakfast; likewise, dinner. This weight reduction method may work out well after all.

The following morning, the third, at the appointed hour I left the online reading of my morning papers over coffee to fill Mr. D’s meal ball (had to change the name). I called him to ‘come, get breakfast!’ –  he knows several phrases, whether it’s by intonation or actual words, who can be sure, though, he is a terrier, and they’re very intelligent. He came barreling into the kitchen from the living room sliding through the dining room and almost slamming into the a little storage unit at the edge of the counter– that little fellow sure loves to eat.  I looked around for the ball; wasn’t in the kitchen. Wandered through to the office/tv room – not there.  Travelled in sock feet to the far end of the house, with Mr. Digby a few paces behind, rather like Prince Philip; normally, he bolts in front of me. I think he knew what I was looking for the whole time!  Not in the living room, which is carpeted; on hands and knees, I looked under a table here, a table there, with the dog closing up the rear, figuratively and literally! Using the sofa, I pushed myself to an upright position and shuffled through to my bedroom which is also carpeted; again on hands and knees, looking around the bed, with the dog ‘helping’. No ‘meal ball’. Then, crossing through the carpeted hallway it was on to the guest room, similarly carpeted. 

Down on all fours I go, looking for the ball – nada. I went back to the bedroom for another look. Nothing. Finally, I said ‘screw this!’ and got up and went downstairs to the den to put wood in the stove. Finally, I heard it – the sound of the ‘meal ball’ being flung against a wall in my bedroom above my head. Then I laughed right out loud when I saw Mr. Digby staring down at me through the floor grate, with ball in mouth. Earlier, while I had been searching on my hands and knees in one room, Mr. Digby was moving the blasted ball – hiding it! I wasted no time in getting back upstairs before he spirited the ball away yet again. I swear when I met up with him, he was laughing at me! I grabbed up the ball, filled it with his breakfast and went about my morning. When evening came, and it was soon time for his dinner, I had picked up the ball well in advance so he’d not have a chance to abscond with it again.

Fast forward to 2017 — in typical terrier fashion, Mr. Digby is much like my previous canine companions – perpetually stuck in the ‘terrible 2’s’ though he’s 14 years old now. His kibble is still dispensed in the food ball but now he has another ‘training/exercise’ tool, an 8 year old Maltese adopted two years ago. They’re having a grand time and burning a heck of a lot of calories together. Love in bloom is good for body and soul!

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with her aging Australian silky terrier and a rambunctious Maltese. She can be reached via email at carmacrockwell@xplornet.ca 

Addressing the needs of persons with disabilities during natural disasters

As I watch, in a deliberately limited way, the news resports of earthquakes and hurricanes battering lives, homes and busineses in various parts of the United States, Mexico and the Caribbean, my thoughts are drawn to ‘how do persons with disability cope?’ and what mechanisms are place to assist those in special/unique circumstances that preclude them fully helping themselves.

Though my experience during the 2014 Hurricane Arthur in no way compares to the trauma endured by persons with disability who are victims of Harvey, Irma,  José, and Maria, I certainly empathize with those challenged by limited mobility in the face of such unbelievably trying times. 

During the power outage caused by Hurricane Arthur, I was fortunate to have kind and generous neigbours, one of whom provided me with 2 hours daily use of his generator; he’d bring it over to my home and connect the freezer, mobility scooter and coffee maker, before moving on to share it with another neighbour for a few hours.

My reality at that time bore out literature reviews which found that persons with disability are less likely to evacuate during natural disasters. For me it wasn’t that I was unaware of services that might be available to me as one who lives with disability. It was more a case of feeling safer in familiar surroundings. My risk of falling would be significantly greater should I have relocated,  and then there was my concern with my pets. I weighed the benefits against the risks and opted to stay in place. Were I thrust into a hurricane zone, my plan of escape and protection would obviously change. 

I’m fully aware that chronic conditions — combined with the physiological, sensory, and cognitive changes experienced as part of aging — result in frail older adults having special needs during emergencies. Planning and coordination amongst public health and emergency preparedness professionals and professionals who provide services for the aging are essential to meet these special needs. Those of compromised infants, toddlers and youngsters must also be considere during a disaster.

  At the local level, various town hall meetings could be held to identify the issues and determine what mechanisms need to be put in place at a moment’s notice. Access to specialized equipment would be critical to those, both young and old using powered mobility aids, ventilators, beds and chairs.

People with disabilities often require assistance and additional lead time in order to prepare for a disaster, so if you are aware of such needs in your area, make your availability known to service agencies so that if you are able, you may offer supports to those in need.

It’s important for persons with disability to make their requirements known and not be shy about asking for help when they know they may need it — someday. It’s better to have a plan in place well before disaster strikes than wait for the day to come and not being ready  throws you into a total panic.  A network of friends, family and neighbors can assist in disaster preparations and getting you to a safe place.

Years ago, I drafted a Care of Mr. Digby document which I gave to one of my elder brothers in the event I was unable to care for the dog. He likened Mr. Digby to a small child given the detail with which I outlined the dog’s needs. I really need to update since I have a second ‘hairy child’. People should come with instructions, too.

Helpful would be to post instructions on the refrigerator outlining your daily regimen, any necessary equipment required and the names of emergency contacts. Wearing a medical alert tag or bracelet might be considered if extra care is required. Registering with local fire department or volunteer center is an added layer of protection during a disaster for the at risk person with disability, making sure to direct rescue personnel to the easiest access to your home —   if you require assistance to vacate, they can reach you. Alert them to any companion animals in the home, providing call names and name of vet and other contact persons. Ensure that leashes and other restraints are available to secure your pets for their safety.

If mobility is significantly compromised, have an escape chair, perhaps a used manual wheelchair available. If you don’t have one now, it’s something to consider  for the future. Perhaps a family Christmas gift to you and your peace of mind. Keep a flashlight, whistle or bell handy to alert personnel to your whereabouts.

Contact agencies like the Red Cross and Ability New Brunswick to find out what measures they already have in place. Public Safety Canada also has a wealth of information so that those who are or live with a person with challenges to living and safety can be educated about what to do in an emergency.

Being prepared is a way to care.

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, New Brunswick with her aging Australian silky terrier and a rambunctious Maltese. She can be reached at carmacrockwell@xplornet.ca via email.