What children really need and how they can get it

Iphones have no place at the dinner table

John Ruskin, a leading English art critic of the Victorian era had it exactly right — “give a little love to a child, and you get a great deal back.” What happens when children are deprived or at least feel deprived of love? “You don’t love me!”; “If you loved me ….”

I recently read about a child killing another child  — inside a classroom. A 10 year old fifth grader died in North Carolina 2 days after the altercation. How does this happen? Children limited in loving interactions with their first teachers, their parents, are often lacking in social rules that govern behaviour. Is it not  a parent’s role, with love, to meet the demands of teaching proper conduct? 

What happened in that classroom that took it to the point where the teacher lost control of the situation?  So many questions. We’re not likely to hear much more about this given that both children are minors. Let’s hope the press doesn’t beat the proverbial dead horse and instead moves to the greater issue. The greater need. What can we, as thinking, feeling human beings do to ensure that children in our community are not lost in the shuffle? 

Today’s children seem to be living with an inordinate level of stress and I assert that a lot of it comes from one thing — lack of positive regard on a regular basis from the significant people in their lives — their parents. Refrigerator parents/emotionally absent parents really need to start taking stock of what their sitting on the proverbial sidelines is doing to their children.  The latest bit of technology — that much whined for tablet, the larger internet package to stream more movies, or the pricey running shoes or the best jeans will never be enough to fix what’s really wrong. There’s a wounded child inside that youthful body with the potty mouth and the bad attitude, wanting more and more stuff, when what he needs is a hug. Did over-indulgence with stuff create that ‘little monster’ Mom and Dad now describe? Step back and take a look. Who over-indulged? Is over-indulgence a sign of a parent’s own wounded inner child?

Technology has significantly and forever changed the landscape with regard to how people interact and that includes children; from the very young, even pre-verbal, to the much older, high school student. Don’t get me wrong, technology is a great thing. I’ve been able to appreciate all manner of opportunities since travelling on the ‘information highway’. Long before that, though, I had in the world, real life, up close and personal interactions with real people, doing real things from going to school, to playing outside as a child, to hanging out with friends in university and during my work life, to playing the role of wife and stepmother during that phase of my life. For me, the internet replaces the bricks and mortar libraries that I was never able to visit with ease.

The internet and all that goes with it is a great tool for children — to learn; to connect with other young people around the world, sharing common interests, talking about what life is like where they live. All good things, right? Of course, but in moderation — especially during the formative years. Children are spending too much time tethered to technology; in fact, far too many are actually sleeping with it and that’s scary and sad at the same time. Parents, where are you? Oh, wait, you’re tethered to your own devices and not interacting, using your inside voices to engage with your children. 

That’s a huge problem, folks. Huge. Children will be better rested for improved school performance if technology stays out of the bedroom. Family relationships will blossom if  iPhones don’t have a place at the dinner table.

Children getting into fights with other children, children arriving at school appearing tired and ill-prepared for the day, children being in a perpetual state of upset, day after day. What’s going on? It’s important for teachers to ask soft questions with as little leading as possible. What’s actually more important, though, is for parents to be having real, meaningful conversations with their children on a daily basis. It doesn’t have to be a long drawn out affair — a check in and a check-up. These ‘mini meetings’ may well be the way to fend off a blow-up at school, in the classroom or on the playground. 

What children need each day and every day is the gentle, guiding hands and voices of the influencing adults in their world  - technology can never replace a hug or a “well done, son.”  Think about that the next time you sit down to watch television.  Call your child out from his room and his own television and go for a walk. Go ahead and talk, too! You’ve got this.

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with her geriatric Australian silky terrier and a rambunctious Maltese. She can be reached via email at carmacrockwell@xplornet.ca