“If you hide from it, people aren’t aware you’re struggling,” says Patricia Cavanaugh, a retired Moncton lawyer and now an artist with, in my humble opinion, considerable talent — a gift she now shares with us. Ms. Cavanaugh spoke about her struggle with depression in a recent Brunswick News article and after reading it, I was compelled to reach out.
Ms. Cavanaugh will be showcasing another of her talents, singing at the fifth annual Beacon In The Night variety show and art expo on May 12th at the Jeanne-de-Valois auditorium on l’Université de Moncton campus, when people living with mental illness can shine - shine by sharing their talents via their art and their music, and shine a light on the need for raising awareness of mental health issues. The event was started by Dr. Patrick Marcotte, a psychiatrist at the Georges-L-Dumont Hospital Centre, with the goal being to break through the stigma attached to mental illness.
Mental illness, mental condition, emotional unwellness - a mixed bag. One area of mental health and wellness that often goes unexplored is the issues associated with parents of children with disabilities, siblings of children with disabilities, other relatives of children with disability, notably grandparents, who may distance themselves simply because they just don’t know how to interact with the new grandchild who may have profound deficiencies with regard to physical ability and possibly intellectual ability that affects learning.
Emotional unwellness plagues parents who are given the news that the baby they just brought into the world will be significantly disabled with an uncertain outcome. Aren’t outcomes for all of us uncertain? Isn’t it the minute by minute experiences, day by day, week by week, year by year that contribute to shaping outcomes? Doctors and other clinicians must work more diligently at not imposing their value/belief systems on parents who are struggling with news of such magnitude. They must stop telling parents that their child ‘will be a vegetable and he should be put in an institution.’ Yet again, Dickensian attitudes are the go-to. It’s cruel and unusual punishment to already wounded Moms and Dads.
Clinicians need to keep their eyes and ears open and ask better questions and pay attention to hesitations and masking. Teachers of school-aged children with disability need to pay attention to changes in a parent’s demeanor. Asking how Mom’s doing or how Dad’s doing can be very telling. If guard is down, a helping hand can be offered. Caregivers try to convince themselves and the rest of us that they can do it all. They can’t!
Very often, the primary caregiver is the one who is at most risk but she just won’t allow the facade to crack. She has to be strong. She has to learn all she can learn about the needs of her child. She remains silent, but her stress shows — shows in how she interacts with her partner, shows in how she engages with her other children who have no disability, shows in how she interacts with family and friends. Being silent diminishes quality of life for everyone who have the closest relationship to the mother who is trying to do it all and then some.
Being silent is neither healthy nor productive and has potential to harm those near and dear; perhaps not intentionally, but the errors and omissions associated with living a life that’s stressed to the max affects everyone, every day in every way.
When we think of mental illness or mentally ill, we think of the serial killer who goes on a killing rampage, or the serial rapist who lurks in the shadows for decades before being caught and punished or the unkempt person who’s teetering on the rail of a bridge about to leap off. Often, their back stories tell shockingly scary tales of lives lived in fear, while others present people who for all intents were ‘normal’ before their demons were visited upon their communities.
Events like Beacon In The Night are necessary pieces of the fabric of a community. They allow us to learn about what it means to live in fear, in blackness, in pain, in isolation. Worrying and wondering, and hiding our ‘real’ selves in careers that keep us busy and supposedly ‘on top of things’. Then reality slams us. It’s all a lie. It’s time to tell our truth — being in a safe place with others who are also struggling allows us to do that.
If you have a truth to tell, grab a bestie or two and check out Beacon In The Night activities. New friends are waiting.
Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with her aging Australian silky terrier and a rambunctious Maltese. She can be reached via email at carmacrockwell@xplornet.ca
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