Children with special needs have extra special mothers

Belated Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers out there, and to fathers who act in that role in the absence of a Mom. Most especially, I acknowledge mothers of children with special needs; mothers whose care and attention is needed every single minute of every single day, often for the life of their child, however long that will be. 

To quote Albert Einstein — “most people see what is, and never see what can be”. Mothers and fathers and others involved in the lives of children with special needs see so much more.

Lots of mothers realise that their child doesn’t have to be defined by a disability with which he lives — challenged, perhaps, but not defined. Then there are mothers who will never experience that outcome; the anticipated and hoped for course of events when parents plan families and become Moms and Dads. Those Moms have long dismissed the notion of  a bit of ME time, like a soak in the tub with candles and music, because they’ve convinced themselves they must not ‘abandon’ their special needs child for such frivolities. Do you know a Mom in that situation? If you do, offer her an hour of your day, so she might have 60 minutes all to herself! 

Mothers of children with special needs do all the routine, daily things that Moms of children without challenges do and then some, especially when the ‘and then some’ throws them into a medical crisis outside their new normal.

In my childhood, children played with other children, most often outside, and those with limitations, as they were able, were included. Sadly, and detrimentally, that’s no so much the case today. Organised sports have gone off the rails to an extent, with helicopter parents brawling in the bleachers when they don’t get their own way, or rather when their little Jack or Jill doesn’t get his/her own way. Oh, what a Mom of a special needs child would give to see her child run track or swim the length of the pool at the local rec centre. 

Instead she often spends many sleepless nights, for months that grow into years, becoming expert on her child’s diagnosis and therapies and education plans. She becomes a master juggler, organising meetings with specialists and educational experts. Oh, and lets not forget all the medical jargon. Moms of children with special needs start speaking a whole new language. 

Parenting is difficult at the best of times and some couples buckle under the stress of maintaining a marital relationship while doing their ‘jobs’ as good/effective/aware/forward thinking parents.

Contrary to conventional wisdom, most marriages of couples parenting a child with disability  are strong, though the demands on time and energy are constant. For those mothers who have an active partner to share the load, the day to day tasks aren’t nearly so daunting but it’s typically Mom who handles the health/wellness of the child with disability with regard to doctors appointments and the like. That’s not to say that lots of fathers don’t participate in those parts of the parent-child dynamic but historically, it’s been the mother.

Think of all the routine tasks you’ve taught your child, from the first moment he could hold a spoon, or stand up and step, step, walk. You tell your child to wake up and get ready for school. Easy, huh? Moms of children with special needs often have to do all those things for their child. Will he ever learn to pull on his shoes, getting them on the ‘right’ feet? Layer upon layer of tasks just to get the day started. Then, at the end of the day, all those bedtime routines. 

Now imagine that your child is age 5, 10, 20, 40, 60 and he’s never learned to do any of those things.

For today’s Moms of children with special needs, I have just a few words of advice. Take time for yourself. You must! If you don’t take care of yourself first, you will not always be the best version of you to put forward for your child. He needs you to be that!

You have a silent cheering section who may not always tell you that you’re an amazing mother. So many wouldn’t have stepped up to the challenge, but you did, so - Happy Mother’s Day to you, today, tomorrow, and all the days that follow that you’ll share with your child who may never be able to say it, but he knows you’re special! 

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, New Brunswick with her aging Australian silky terrier and a rambunctious Maltese. She can be reached at carmacrockwell@xplornet.ca via email.