Asking for help

All of us, at certain moments of our lives, need to take advice and to receive help from other people. [Alexis Carrel]

The above quote appears on my Facebook ‘wall’; as is my daily habit with regard to Facebook use, I post a quote the day, source of quote of the day, and a song of the day that fits with the quote. 

The day before, I was in Fredericton with a friend, first to get an eye exam then to have a meal because I missed breakfast and was starving. Those who know me are fully aware that I have the appetite of three men and a boy. After fuelling our bodies, we were off to get more food, with a trip to Walmart and then to Sobeys. The latter trip was because my friend’s cats have need and my dogs have a passion for all natural biscuits.

That day I used my crutches a few times. In both instances, I preceded my friend and braced, with my right crutch, the open door of buildings we entered until I was assured that she had her hands on it. Caught unawares by someone coming up behind me to hold the door could cause me to fall. That has happened a time or two with someone coming up the rear, opening the door just as I’m about to move the crutch prop forward, then BAM! Down I go!

My friend and I have had  conversations about helping — when to help, how to ask if another needs help, and when not to help. Where better to share my thoughts than here. Make no mistake, I am not alone in appreciating help with tasks that are sometimes daunting, but for people in my position, there are times when help can be a problem; a risk to our upright mobility.  Were I in my wheelchair, my safety would not be an issue.  People are generally well-meaning but a gentle word of advice - observe the situation to determine if your intervention is necessary or a good idea. Watch how she who lives with disability does it her way.  If it is clear assistance IS required, gently step in. The bull in the China shop thing, rushing in to save the day has potential to be off-putting. I admit to having gotten testy a time or two when well-meaning individuals step in to assist. To them, I apologize.

At the eye doctor’s office, before the  exam,  I had a few preliminary tests while seated in a chair without arms; armless chairs are not my first choice of seating due to balance issues. I advised the technician not to assist me as I had to establish my own plan for getting from standing to sitting without falling over. Once on the chair, I passed her my crutches which she propped against a wall. Because I couldn’t pull myself forward in front of the machine which was required to do the tests, I asked for help. She pushed the chair from behind so that I was aligned with the machine; 2 more times she assisted me, moving the seated me from one machine to another. Once the testing was concluded she passed me my crutches and I stood up.

Then on to the doctor’s exam. He remembered our last visit and commented that I educated him about how to interact appropriately with someone with ‘special’ needs without being condescending or ‘over helpful’. I appreciated his willingness to allow me to lead. As before, negotiating the path from standing to sitting required concentration, and just as with the tech, I passed my crutches to the doctor and he stood them in the corner.  Rather like that scene from A Christmas Carol, with  Tiny Tim’s gnarled crutch leaning against the wall. To digress, previous employer endearingly called me Tiny Tim on a few occasions, but that’s another story! The eye exam went off without a hitch and I needed no updated prescription.  A helpful bonus to my pocketbook! 

We arrived at the chosen eatery and again, I used crutches to get from car to building. I propped the door until my friend positioned herself behind me to hold it further open so I could negotiate a slight step up, checking the position of feet and crutches - it’s a process, you see. A gentleman was behind us observing the scene. Whether he realized it or not he was getting an education. He then relieved my friend of the door once I was inside, holding it open for  her. Thanks! 

Once inside and seated at the table, the owner attended to us, making eye contact with both me and my friend. Sometimes, when dining out, I feel  almost invisible as wait staff seem to have difficulty making eye contact, That’s not helpful. 

Asking for help is necessary; it’s part of the human condition, a part of that connection between and amongst people with whom we interact. We who are ‘differently able’ may not always need your kind assistance, but please feel free to ask us if we do, and allow us to ask you for your help if needed. Most of us will admit to the occasional defeat, but we will never surrender!

Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with her aging Australian silky terrier and a rambunctious Maltese. She can be reached via email at carmacrockwell@xplornet.ca