“Can we accept people as they are?” asked Jean Vanier, founder of L’Arche,
an international federation dedicated to the creation and growth of homes, programs, and support networks with people who have intellectual disabilities.
Wanting to change people may give us a feeling of power but why would we want or need power over anyone? We need to free ourselves of the notion that we are ‘better than’. A significant problem with trying to change people is that we create division, and with that comes a loss of forward momentum. Examining what within us wants others to change is a start. The who, what and why of our own place and space often determines how we perceive others and how they will actually fit into our world. Will we make adjustment to accommodate them, or will we expect them to do all the ‘changing’ and ‘fixing’ to suit our needs and wants?
In the dating game, for example, and not exclusive to teenagers in love, we find couples getting together, with physical attraction, ‘the look’ — various physical attributes being the initial lure. That comes from centuries of mating practices as men and women are drawn often to their ‘type’. Men chose women who would bear lots of children to carry on the family through generations while working the land and caring for the home.
How one looks and how one’s beliefs and outlooks mesh with our own determine if we will have mutually nurturing relationships, whether it be friendship or a love match.
In the corporate world, the world of work, the world of providing goods and services, accepting people as they are is critical to the morale of the team. Sharing our time and attention with the team mate who may be struggling strengthens the group. Sometimes, we simply must accept their various ‘flaws and imperfections’ and focus on those attributes that put them in the game in the first place.
Persons with disability, no matter the type and degree sometimes have difficulty fitting in, finding their niché, being accepted as they are. We who live with disability cannot be ‘fixed’. We’re not broken. What may be battered and bruised is our spirit. Too often we’re excluded because of disability when we should be included in spite of it, with the type and degree of disability dictating the level of inclusion — experiencing even small wins is huge. Stop and think about that for a moment.
As we approach a new school year across the province, there will be many old and new students — eager to learn. There may be children from other lands coming from horrendous life circumstances beyond our imagining. They’re looking forward to making new friends, enjoying a safe learning environment, and educating themselves in the ways of things in our province. Some may live with disabilities that may impact inclusion so it reasons that they will be drawn to those children already here who are like them in that regard — a sense of kinship paves the way. Adults must not get in the way of these developing relationships by possibly tainting them with their own prejudices about those who are different.
Parents have an opportunity to engage their children in discussions about acceptance; accepting children who don’t have the same colour skin, accepting children who may not have brand new school clothing, accepting children who are differently able but still able. Sometimes, a child will bear the burden of all three pidgeon holes and because of that sad reality may be bullied and verbally battered before that critical first school day has fully gotten under way.
Teachers must be vigilant as they are the second line of defense, steering children to making good choices about how their behaviour and their attitudes affect others. It’s possible that the family dynamic is such that some children may not adequately learn those lessons, so teachers who have their eyes open will see beyond the nervous smile and the shuffling of worn out running shoes and the knapsack that’s seen better days.
It’s easy to say that we must accept people as they are but it’s often difficult to put those words into action when we are inundated with media influences that bully, belittle and berate those who are different, whether it’s because of their place of origin or a criticism of their physical attributes or their socio-economic station and the ‘stuff’ they don’t have.
We would better served if we spent less time and energy trying to ‘fix’ or change someone else to suit our ideals and look inward to see what it is about ourselves that we could reshape, repackage and put back out there in the world. Perhaps we need to work on being less critical; perhaps we need to spend less time creating a ‘pretty face’ and embrace what’s fresh and clean and devoid of covers to our imperfections. In point of fact, flaws give us strength and that is a powerful lesson of acceptance.
Carla MacInnis Rockwell is a freelance writer and disability rights advocate living outside Fredericton, NB with her aging Australian silky terrier and a rambunctious Maltese. She can be reached via email at carmacrockwell@xplornet.ca
